Monday, October 21, 2013
Three days into my trip and I feel the need to share part of this journey so far. It is a beautiful, sunny, warm afternoon here in Sedona. I look out the window and see giant red rocks towering towards the brilliant blue sky. After the nurse came to visit today and change my PICC dressing I couldn't 'help but venture out for a walk around the area, soaking in the rays, running my hands through the red sand and gently touching the strange plants that don't exist in my wet and wild Northwest corner of the country.
As amazing as this all sounds (it is eye candy for sure) my body is struggling to adapt. There is a place in my head that is strong and vibrant, ready to take on the world! However, after a 12 hour day of traveling (bus, plane and car) the energy was drained out of me, such as a fish without water. There are aches and pains, nausea and dizziness that linger.
The first treatment yesterday left me in awe as to how many layers built up to guard the pain, the trauma, and the fears that lie within. When asked what emotions were coming up for me, the immediate response was vulnerability. I don't want to go into details about this feeling but it is there, very real and brings on a sense of fear and weakness.
As I lay here today, trying to do what is always my most difficult challenge, being content with stillness, I picked up my friend's hardcover (with no reference on the front as to what it was). I opened it only to discover it was Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly. I almost felt too exhausted to read but the first few pages gave me an understanding as to why I was drawn to it. Brown's writing just happens to be on her extensive study on vulnerability and shame. Though I've watched her TED Talks (highly recommend!), never have I read her books. On page 2 she writes, "Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement....We must walk into the arena, whatever it may be with courage and the willingness to engage."
This is when my blogging mind kicked in and I couldn't help but share. Here is the quote I wanted to share most, page 1, from a speech by Theodore Roosevelt. It defines, in my opinion, how we need to live, and why I continue to explore ways to heal, by daring greatly with hope and perseverance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the door of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,
because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly...."