Friday, July 1, 2011

Part III: Reality Check, Grief and Acceptance

It has been 17 days since the botox treatment.  The first few were rough, still feeling full and nauseous.  Since then, I have been able to slowly increase meal portions in addition to drinking 1-2 supplemental shakes and a small amount of coconut milk ice cream in the evening, all high in calories and lactose-free.

At this point, Ensure is becoming a part of my diet, sometimes every other day.  Being a health nut this is hard for me to accept but some days it goes down without any symptoms.  I've also tried Orgain a few times which has milk and doesn't always digest well.  For others I know works as a healthier supplement choice.  Soon I hope to be back to making my own smoothies again and am experimenting with different ingredients and protein powders.
The problem remains that I am not gaining much weight, a couple pounds in 3 weeks.  Despite what feels like constant eating/drinking and taking in about 2000 calories a day, which is more than frustrating.
What has significantly changed since returning home from school is a reality check with accepting this disease.  Previously I would repeat to myself, "If they can do it, why can't I," and "I'll be OK, just imagine the pain is not there and smile."  The need to keep up socially, academically and physically at lightning speed is stubbornly embedded in my brain.  NOW it's time to realize my body cannot and will not cooperate as I wish it would.  I wanted so bad to feel healthy, normal and do well in school that I chose to ignore the signs my body was screaming for help!  Daily lectures (and encouragement) from my worried husband, who I believe knows me better than myself sometimes, my mother and close friends are slowly forcing me to acceptance.  Putting off school and my future dreams is like losing a piece of my identity but not worth losing my health, or at this life.
This isn't going to be an overnight process but more like one day at a time, finding happiness in the small things and be grateful for all the good in my life.  In a way it feels like a 12 step program. Though there are many limitations, I still love to cook, go to the market, walk my dog, practice yoga, cozy up with a good novel, and of course be with my husband, family and friends.  That is all I need for today and tomorrow will be another day to positively deal with GP and enjoy the things I am thankful for.

1 comment:

  1. Stephanie, the blog looks great! I'm so glad that it's a positive outlet for you as my blog as been for me. I hope you have a speedy recovery from the Botox treatment and start to put on some weight soon.